Chillin' on the Edge

Intermission. Coffee break. Breathing space. Deadlock.
These are all synonyms for the word respite, according to Thesaurus.com. 
I disappeared from my blog for a long four and a half months. It wasn't a planned respite. It turns out that all of the above terms applied during my absence.


I've shared before that I am a delayed-reaction person.  I've known this for years.  I do a lot of introspection and retrospection.  Too much 'spection going on!! But that's how I usually discover important life gems.

I learned quite some time ago that when I write, it needs to be from the heart. Something that really means something to me. Otherwise, I won't be happy with it, and my readers won't get much from it either.

I think I finally understand two big reasons that I've been afflicted by the dreaded writer's block!

Many of my previous posts were quite deep and personal! I put a lot of myself into the lighter stories too.  But I got to the point that I needed a break from thinking and feeling so much.  My heart needed a little siesta.


For a few weeks, I didn't worry about it. I joined a new bowling league. I made some new social networking friends and caught up with some old ones. I enjoyed some precious time with my kids and grandchild.

When I thought I was ready to start my next story, I found that I didn't have much in me.  I'd planned for a while that my next post would be about my daughter.  She's the love of my life!  I got a good start on it, then I got stuck. I couldn't seem to focus.

I felt the pressure. "I am a blogger. I haven't posted a story since July 20! We are now well into Fall!"

I think this has something to do with it:
The first week of September, my mother-in-law was taken to the hospital by ambulance, with breathing problems.  She is ninety years old and has a serious heart condition.

I felt the raw emotions again just now, remembering that day.  It took me a long time to be able to talk about it without tears coming to the surface.  It affected me a lot more than I even knew at the time.

I look back and realize that I've been sitting on the edge of my seat, figuratively and sometimes literally, since then.
(My husband and I have been living with his mother the past two years to assist her.)
Mom is now in a nursing facility for further treatment and physical therapy, after being hospitalized again during all of Thanksgiving week.

The story about my baby, my only daughter, can't be half-baked. It needs my full attention. Most who know me are aware of my pre-existing distraction problem. I usually make fun of myself about that, but sheesh!  I just haven't had enough emotional and mental attention to go around.  I tried!

A good friend shared the following poem with me. Yes!  It's exactly what I needed.

I realize that there are different schools of thought about waiting to write until you feel it, versus forcing self to compose, and keeping at it until you get it right. The waiting strategy works for me.

Many of my stories are gifts.  They are gifts to myself and to my family members and friends. Some of those special people are still here and some have passed.

We all spend much of life doing the things we have to do and need to do. My blog is something I want to do.  For me.  Because I want to. Because I love it.

We are hoping that Mom will be strong enough to come back home soon.  That's the plan.
One of these days I'll post a story about her.  I have to. She is one of my few true heroes in life!

Until then, I'll share whatever that still small voice prompts me to share. Or that loud obnoxious inner thing that won't leave me alone until I write it!  And when I have nothing, I'll post nothing.        
     
                                         

                       

                          I get to choose!
                          I get to be my own boss about this!
                          For a while, I considered firing myself.              
           
                                     

But the boss can't fire herself, she can only walk away from the job.  Then she can come back whenever she is ready.  Here I am.