Heart Condition 2- Crisis of Faith

I did finally face that monster. I told my husband about it, and he stood beside me and we faced it together. We wrestled with the frightening ugliness of it's mysterious presence. One night during the last week of December 2011, we spent a few very emotional hours together. My hero husband of twenty-seven years mostly listened to me and kept me safe, while I confronted that huge thing. It certainly resisted being exposed to the light!  We didn't kill the beast that night, but it was severely injured. In the weeks that followed, IT seemed smaller, and not nearly as powerful to paralyze me inside.

Early in 2012, I started feeling the impact of all that had happened. The pain of loss, and anger about the unfairness of it all.  I needed help from people, to cope with all the raw emotions that were coming to the surface. On the other hand, I wanted everyone to leave me the heck alone. I withdrew. 
Confused? Yes I was! Very. 

I knew about the stages of grief and had even helped others deal with them, but I wasn't sure how to help myself.  I behaved in an ironic way, which I actually regret now. I often avoided the friends who loved me most and knew me best.  The people I could rely on at a heart level. I think it's because I still feared opening up that much, feeling that much.  I was fairly sure that no one could actually help me anyway.  

I am a Christian and my faith has been very precious to me my entire life. I never completely lost my faith during my personal crisis, but I confess that I became angry and disillusioned. I kept God at arm's length for a long time.  

During and after the string of tragedies, some people I shared with made matters worse. I know they meant well, but they said things they never should have. (I realize now that the huge chip on my shoulder greatly affected my reactions.)

"Oh, God is still good. He is good all the time!"  "We have to believe that all things happen for a reason." 

A couple of folks who don't live in Joplin, couldn't understand my trauma regarding the tornado, especially since I was one who didn't lose any family or property. Hmm, I got some winner explanations about that too.

I was polite to those who offered such words of wisdom, but my internal thoughts were not gracious.
NO! I dare anyone to tell me what can be GOOD about suicide! What freaking REASON do you have, that a child was ripped out of her mother's arms by 300 mph winds? Why bother with prayer? You can pray for years for someone you love, and your worst fear happens anyway! 
DO NOT give me anymore cliche', bullsh** answers!! It's like saying "Here's a band-aid, Honey, for your huge gaping wounds."

I started questioning my very foundations: Did God let us down? Maybe it's not God, but me. I probably have misinterpreted spiritual things that I have believed all these years. I just don't know! I am fifty years old and I have more questions than answers...about everything! 

I've been experiencing a new grief lately, over the loss of the close relationship with God I once I had. Reconciliation has begun though. It takes time and I know it will only continue to get better.  

I have to say here that not everything was doom and gloom the past couple of years. I did have people in my life that helped me tremendously. They listened. They read long, emotional emails. They just cared and didn't try to come up with answers, but hurt for me and with me.  And yes, I believe God gave me those people as gifts, just when I needed them most!

I never totally lost my joy through all this. I was able to enjoy laughter and happy times, some that came at very low moments! Grateful isn't an adequate word to describe my feeling about this. Joy from deep inside is the best remedy for a broken heart.  

I've learned that my spiritual roots have helped me to heal. I've been reminded that God never promised us a life on earth without heartache. In fact we were told that we would endure them.  I know that He is big enough to handle my anger and lack of faith.  I don't doubt His love for me, in spite of those things. 

2014 is just beginning and I have renewed hope for the future! I know I have a long way to go and still many questions.  But my burden is much lighter and it's a great feeling!

In closing, the following song is my proclamation and prayer as of today.