Heart Condition

The past couple of years, I have really struggled with a heart condition. Some of the symptoms include a numbness of the heart, leading to a hardness at times. Not hardness of the arteries, but of the heart itself. This condition also affected my mind. I haven't been to a doctor about these problems yet, but I've considered it.

When I first started paying attention to my symptoms, I believed that I was a victim of this illness.  Later though, I wondered if I was to blame. Could I have prevented this heart condition?  How much control did I actually have over it?

My plan for this story is to share honestly from my beat up heart and mind, about my journey through numbness to hope. There were lots of other emotions in-between. This journey started in 2011 and will never end.  I'll never be the same.

I want to focus on the internal battles I've been fighting, and how much healing that's happened. I felt unsure how much to share, but I think some explanation is needed to help you understand how this unexpected pilgrimage began.

A bizarre series of traumatic losses occurred from March 2011 through March 2012. Literally, every 2-3 months, something shocking happened.  I lost a girlfriend my age (48 at the time) in March.  My hometown Joplin, Missouri was devastated by an F-5 tornado in May.  Six weeks later, in July, I lost my 45 year old brother. In October, my friend/co-worker, who was also my age, was killed. In December, I had my little break down. Then in March of 2012, I lost a friend who was a few years younger than me. 

I could write a separate story about each person who died, what they meant to me, the circumstances of each loss. 
But that is not my focus for this blog. I also know that many people have been through times like this in life (and worse things).  I am not the only one. When I really get to know people, I am often astounded to learn of the wounds they carry. 

I had experienced loss and grief before. But this was different! There was no time. No time to fully process one punch in the gut, before another one came. It just kept happening! There was no escape from reminders every day.  Every single day. 

Not only was I reeling, everyone around me was also. My family, my friends, my co-workers. My entire community. The people I loved the most were all traumatized and mourning too.  

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ac6rtRTbmNc

Close to Christmas time, I talked with a dear long-distance friend on the phone. I was sharing about how I was doing and all that had happened. She said "Diana, are you alright? You don't sound right. Your voice sounds so...flat." All I could say was "It does? I'm not doing it on purpose." I confessed to her that I hadn't cried much yet. I couldn't. 

I remember the monster. The monster that only I was aware of.  It started lurking a few weeks after my brother died. I always felt like something was behind me, or over me.  I couldn't quite verbalize what it was. It's presence was known to me for many months. If I just kept moving forward, and didn't dare to turn around and face it, it couldn't destroy me. It was just a matter of day-to-day survival. Ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist.

I could only do that for so long. 

To be continued...